As a child, Mother’s Day was always so simple.  Or at least it seemed that way.  I remember I would go to the store, get a card for my mom or my grandma, sign it in my best cursive writing, maybe buy a flower, and give them their gift with a big smile on my face.  Oh the joys of Mother’s Day.

But somewhere down the line, there were no more cards signed in pretty cursive writing.  The smell of flowers made me nauseous.  The smile on my face was a constant frown just at the thought of an approaching Mother’s Day.

Walking through the church doors on Mother’s Day was a struggle.  The sanctuary on this particular day no longer seemed to be my safe space.  It was the place that stabbed at my hurt because I had to sit and listen to the pastor talk about the joys of this day when I was filled with nothing but sorrow.

Pain.

Anger.

Loss.

Filled with so much but yet I was still empty.

I had suffered so much loss.  In my eyes, too much loss for one person to deal with.

How am I supposed to be happy when I feel as if I am less than as a mother because of the loss of my child?  Yes, I know I have two beautiful little girls but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about the baby that I carried in me that died so unexpectedly.  The baby that I was left to bear the pain of that loss alone.  And left to wonder what that child would have been like now.

Loss.

How am I supposed to be happy when I see so many of my people around me celebrating (or not celebrating) their mothers that they can call or even visit and shower and gifts and affection while I’m forced to stare at tomb with my mother’s name written across it?  Yes, I know that I was blessed to have the mother that I had, but that doesn’t change the fact that I long for one more hug. One more call. One more moment with my momma.

Lost.  I had lost so much and was I lost.

I was lost in my loss.  Lost in my pain.  Lost in my feelings of inadequacy of being a mother.

Mother’s Day used to be one of the most dreaded holidays for me until I found peace in knowing neither my child nor my mother were suffering.  When I found a greater love for my two beautiful blessings.  And when I found joy in the memories and the lessons from each loss.

I didn’t lose my baby or my momma, I just gained two angels.

Happy Mother’s Day.