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It's None of Your Business: Stop Asking Me When I'm Having Another Child

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It’s None of Your Business: Stop Asking Me When I’m Having Another Kid

For those of you who don’t know, my youngest daughter is 3. And I’m almost certain that before the nurses had her completely cleaned off, someone had asked me if I was planning to have another child. I can’t even begin to count the number of times that I have been asked when were my husband and I going to try for a boy.

And while I’ve smiled through all the questions and laughed people off instead of telling them to mind their own business, inside I was becoming angry and angrier. While I looked great on the outside and people considered that I was still capable of having children, they really did know what I was going through.

What was I going through, you might ask? Shortly after the birth of my last daughter, I made the decision to get my tubes completely removed.

No, I didn’t want them tied.

No, I didn’t want birth control.

No, I didn’t want to just use protection.

I wanted them completely removed because I felt I had made so many wrong choices and had endured so much pain, I could no longer see the purpose or the beauty in pregnancy and childbirth.

At the time, I didn’t realize it wasn’t really the pregnancy that had hurt me. It was the men who I had made the choice to get pregnant by that had hurt me.

I had been lied to.

Cheated on.

Stolen from.

Convinced to consider abortion, had a miscarriage and was forced to this same person go on to have a baby with another woman who ended up having her baby on the same expected due date as our child.

Disrespected…the list goes on.

For me there was no other choice but to take away my ability to have children. And it hurts, deeply. Just like I’m sure it hurts for those women who have been told by doctors that they will never be able to have children whether it is because of a medical condition, some physical harm that was caused to them, or due to the fact that a miscarriage changed their body and took that ability away. The women who gave birth to only lose their children within minutes, days, or months of their birth. The women who were in the midst of preparing for the birth of their child and suddenly had to face the fact that their child had died inside of them.

It hurts. And many people think they’re being motivating or encouraging by asking when are you going to have a baby or when are you going to have another child when the fact is that you don’t know what that woman has been through or is even going through. Daily I struggle with and often regret the decision I made, but I made that decision and I must endure the consequences.

For those of us who have been placed into this position, whether by force or choice, I believe that God can do the impossible and that it is possible for us to all have children one day. But while we are awaiting our miracle to happen, please be cautious before you ask a woman when she is going to have a baby. You never know what really is behind those smiles and laughs.

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